But I Don't Wanna...

Sometimes life is hard. Not in the whole, I am having a dramatic moment and don't know what to do way, but in the daily choices we are faced with kind of way. For instance, last night after class I slipped up with my eating. I was doing really well for about a week, and then last night I lost control. Pretty badly too because when I woke up this morning I felt awful. Like food hangover awful. Groggy. Headachy. Just gross really.

I tried my hardest to just pick myself back up and start over anew today. That meant a cleansing green monster for breakfast. I used a lot of spinach, 1 c almond milk, 1/2 banana, 1/4 c blueberries, 1/2 scoop whey protein powder, honey, ice, and water. I was feeling the whole soup idea, so I put it in a bowl and added 1/4 c English granola and ate it with a spoon. About halfway through, I took a leap of faith, and threw a handful of puffed wheat in, and ya know what, it was good! I was so cranky today at work despite it being my last day. I felt awful, inside and out, and I just could not shake my mood. I removed myself from twitter and tried to pull my sh!t together, but it was not easy. Sometimes those negative thoughts just overtake you ya know? I did not snack this morning (which I suppose accounts for my large breakfast). I met up with my cousin and uncle for lunch and ordered maple glazed Salmon with mashed potatoes and spinach. I saved about 1/2 the salmon for later. The afternoon at work crawled. I could not find energy to save my life. I contemplated hitting up Starbucks no less than 10 times. I resisted because I really want to be able to sleep tonight. I snacked on unpictured carrots and hummus and an orange. When the clock struck 5PM, I busted out of the office like I was walking on sunshine, and if only for a moment, my spirits lifted when I thought about the fact that I never have to sit at that desk for 8 hours again. Everyone at work has been super nice and I will miss them, but I will not miss that desk.
On the way home, I had a serious internal battle. I was feeling lethargic all day and the last thing I wanted to do was exercise. I knew it would make me feel better, but I just did not want to do it. After about 15 minutes of back and forth in my head, I read this quote from Caitlin that always helps motivate me. It is from one of her blog posts awhile back, and it really stuck with me:

"I'm out there, I'm running, and I'm doing my best-TODAY. I might be slower than usual, and I might be taking walking breaks, but neither of these things makes me a failure. A true fail would be doing NOTHING. So SOMETHING, no matter how far or how short or how slow or how fast- is NOT a failure. Change the way you see yourself, not the way you look."

I actually have this quote typed into the notepad section of my iPhone as a simple reminder that I am good enough.

So, I went running. Only 30 minutes, but I went, and that is all that matters for today because the mental battle was much bigger than the actual physical act of running. I meant to take a picture of my Beast at the end, but I was in such a hurry to get ready for class I forgot. I ran 2.44 miles in 30:50. That is a 12:47 average mile. Y'all should have seen my splits though. The trail I did was hilly all the way up so my 1st mile was around 13 minutes while my 2nd was around 10 minutes.

The run has cleared my head. It was nice to run on a relatively private trail in the woods today. I was able to forget about everything I still need to do today and just be. The rest of the night is going to be a chore to get through, but the end of this program is in sight. So I will get through it.
Until tomorrow,

~Jenn